Let me tell you a joke.
A man says to a woman: Do you have a chicken farm?
She responds: Um. No.
At this point, woman begins to back away slowly. Escape unlikely.
His punch line: Because you sure know how to raise a cock!
That’s it. The alarm bells sound so loudly in your head that your ears start ringing and small pink dots float about in front of your eyes. It is time to get out. Get out now. You never think about how that man probably spent hours thinking of the perfect delivery, or at least have sat through lunch with that one awkward guy at his office to get that joke. Honestly, what’s a man to do? You (woman) sit there with your blatantly bisexual girlfriends and sixth shot of Grey Goose Vodka confidence and they have to think of something to say. So, they trust each other, begging advice, even from the guy you remember in college who dressed up as a used tampon for halloween.
When it hit me, I felt the hairs on my arms stand up. Funny, for all that it reminds me of watching cattle drives on Main Street (born and raised in the Boondocks, yo). It could maybe even have passed for cute, in a quirky, kinky way, had it not been delivered by a man old enough to be my grandfather, his coal black eyes twinkling from a sun-roughened visage covered in the facial hair of a viking.
Unfortunately, we all have that tiny, umbrella-toting cricket prodding gently: "Is that really the line he used? And you liked it?"
And I reply to Jiminy: "No, I didn't! But... well... um..."
I don't like having to debate with my conscience. I never ever win. It's always taking the moral high ground and stomping about inside my head when I lie. But I digress.
The following is not a blatant attempt at recreating a Cosmopolitan quiz for the girl in the know. This is a guide of the right way and the wrong way to pick up girls:
THE CHEESE
Wrong: Let's make like fabric softener and snuggle. Because that totally doesn't remind me of laundry day in sweatpants. Or that cute little bear. Who giggles.
Right: The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name. Let me complete the picture for you so that you can keep guessing about my mysterious allure. Then, when you're wrong, I can bat my eyelashes at you and ask if you need a sherpa to escort you through my mind. After all, there are twists and cul-de-sacs in there... it's WILD.
INNUENDO
Wrong: How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes? Sometimes, ice-breakers employ methods best described as interrogation techniques. Any unsuspecting girl would be torn between denial and answering the question. We're stuck choosing which is worse to let slide. Like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: you either get eaten by a shark, or stuck in some kind of eerie cave- either way, you have to go back to page six.
Right: You're strange... and it's sexy. Not only have you just given me a compliment, but you enabled me to identify with being unique. I still have to choose which to address, but instead of sharks and caves, I get to pick between fast cars and good movies.
SUCKER PUNCH
Wrong: We should make out sometime. To the point. Yep. Laid it right on the table and measured. Studies actually show that one-eighth of women will answer with an enthusiastic "Sure!". Must be all that raw male confidence. Or maybe the vodka.
Right: DISCLAIMER- There is no actual right way to do this... but if it works for three out of every twenty-four women, I suppose you're getting laid more than I am.
CLASSIC
Wrong: Where have you been all my life? Alright, so it's a classic, but retro is totally in these days. Tradition has become cute. Because of course they're doing it on purpose, to mock convention. He's sticking it to the man, and that is something to be respected.
Right: You get prettier every time I see you. So maybe this is implying that I take some getting used to, or maybe it's implying that you don't see me very often. Either way, it reminds me of old-fashioned musicals and dance halls and pretty little surries with the fringe on top... er. I mean, thank you. Right?
Fine. I admit it. After years of romance novel ideals being effectively dashed against the cold, stony shores of reality, I will pronounce: I am a sucker for compliments. Ultimately, of course, what works just works. Each girl is different in the same way that each line is different. So, I really just have one question:
Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Enough to break the ice.
"After all, there are twists and cul-de-sacs in there... it's WILD." << Priceless. I looove it.
ReplyDeleteThis whole post is pretty priceless, but that line is going to stick with me.
I need to try some of these pickup lines. :)
ReplyDelete@ C: Science fiction is my primary jumping point. Every Day Of My Life.
ReplyDelete@TJ: Welcome! A note about hitting on girls – I was informed recently that when a guy offers to buy a girl a drink, his chances are less for getting her phone number than if he talks to her for long enough to convince her to buy him a drink. I tend to personally disagree with this (buy me a drink, Ebenezer).